THE TOP FIVE YANKEES THAT I HATE
5. Alfonso Soriano - He always made that huge-ass bat look so light. Smacking his gum... smack smack smack swing friggin gone. And another Frank Castillo outing ruined during the first AB.
4. David Justice - WHO PUNCHES HALLE BERRY???
3. Clemens - Nothing to like about him when he was on the other team. What a bastard. Rubbing the Ruth statue and all that attention-seeking bullshit. What a douchebag.
2. Wade Boggs - Another traitorous monster chicken freak. I used to love him. I had his Starting Lineup figure. I loved him. He played third, like me! I used to mimic that swing that swiveled up by his head at the end. Then he went to the Yanks. I literally hung my Starting Lineup firgure off my bed. Noosetastic!
1. Paul O'Neill - I don't care if he had a great scene in Seinfeld:
KRAMER: Mr. O'Neill?
O'NEILL: Yeah.
KRAMER: Yeah, uh, look, you don't know me.
O'NEILL: I can give you an autograph there, but my pen's kind of screwed up. You'd only like half a "P" or something.
KRAMER: No, it's uh, not that see,. It's about a little boy in a hospital. I was wondering if you could do something to lift his spirits.
O'NEILL: Sure, I could help you there.
KRAMER: Sure, well I promised you would hit him two home runs.
O'NEILL: Say what?
KRAMER: You know, Klick!. A couple of dingers.
O'NEILL: You promised a kid in the hospital that I would hit two home runs?
KRAMER: Yeah, well, no good?
O'NEILL: Yeah. That's no good. It's terrible. You don't hit home runs like that. It's hard to hit home runs. And where the heck did you get two from?
KRAMER: Two is better than one.
O'NEILL: That, that's ridiculous. I'm not a home run hitter.
KRAMER: Well, Babe Ruth did it.
O'NEILL: He did not.
KRAMER: Oh, do you say that Babe Ruth is a liar?
O'NEILL: I'm not calling him a liar but he was not stupid enough to promise two.
KRAMER: Well, maybe I did overextend myself.
O'NEILL: How the heck did you get in here anyway?
He's still an asshole. He would, with certainty, be my favorite player ever if he'd been on the Sox. But he wasn't, and thus he's an asshole.
Yankees players I like:
1. Derek Jeter - I would kill to be him for a day. Just one day.
2. Non-Syphilitic Scott Brosius - As Boston fans, we always appreciated Brosius' wholesome charms. He probably married a nice preacher's daughter. We gave him lots of nicknames, like Atrocious Brosius. Atrocious Brosius was a complement. We really liked him.
3. Ricky Henderson - In any capacity, he's on the "like" list.
