At some point in time we all collected sports cards. Some of us stuck with baseball, whereas some of us may have even bought a few Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Batman waxpacks by Topps. You know you did. I had boxed my collection away years ago, believing that once the players in my collection made their parade of HOF speeches, I could cash it all in for enough coin to fill Scrooge McDuck's money bin.
This past month I had been cleaning up, and came across the various books and boxes that held my collection. I had not seen these cards in years. I devoted some time to looking through the cards and I was disgusted; both in my taste and the collection's value. The phrase "not worth the paper its printed on" was repeated in my head as I sorted through the Kevin Maas', Phil Plantier's, and Brien Taylor's of the sports card world. Then there was the occasional and unfortunate Oh-Pee-Chee Premier (whatever the hell that means) hockey card.
My disgust, both at myself, but more at the card companies, grew as I uncovered basketball cards of NBA coaches. As if this scene has ever played out:
Kid 1: You got the new foil pack? Open it up, let me see what you got!
Kid 2: Oh boy, I can't wait. Please, please, please, God I don't ask for much, but please let there be a Larry Brown card inside.
Kid 1: Hurry up!
Kid 2: Mike Fratello!
Kid 1: Lucky.
Anyway, I think we all agree that getting the card of an NBA coach is an insult, especially when you are a kid. It's like getting to the bottom of a Cracker Jack box and discovering that you got the box without the prize inside. It rivals the checklist as the worst card possible because it is filler, and could have been a really sweet card of an actual NBA player. What about the player cards I actually had? Well my collection consisted the likes of Brad Daughrety, Scott Skiles, Ron Harper, Wayman Tisdale, Rex Chapman, Nick Anderson, Sarunas Marshalonis and other forgettable players.
The NBA coaches cards were bad, but the real crime was committed by Pro Set football cards. I have no idea who they thought their target audience was, but the set included World League Football cards, for some reason, and cards of actual referees. Referees? Referees names are to be announced at the beginning of the game, as they are simultaneously forgotten. They are then required to blend into the action, becoming invisible until they either make a bad call or get accidentally hit so hard by a player that their caps fly off (exception was the ref this year who stood like a block of granite in LSU vs. USC game). Jesus, Pro Set even made a Santa Claus card.
Score 1992 baseball is the worst set EVER. The terrible art work would be enough, but the pictures are laughably bad. I don't know who was taking those pictures, but they are all either mid throw, mid swing, in pain on the ground, skipping in the air; just terrible. Hot garbage.
I sorted through the cards saying, "Bum, Bum, who?, bum, bum, Goose Gozzo?, bum, bum".
Much has been made about how much steroids and other performance enhancing drugs have hurt the sport of baseball. It is rarely talked about how this scandal has left the baseball cards from the steroid era with dubious value.
The Mark McGwire 1987 Donruss Rated Rookie Card that I had been saving in a UV protected, Kevlar, air-tight case? Worth anywhere from $20 to $50. Or, his 1987 Topps Rookie card? cha-ching! $14.95 to $29.95. At the time I looked through my cards I had at least thought my Alex Rodriguez cards were safer. Now? Not so much.
The only hope I have now for my collection is that collectors of the future will seek these cards out for their infamy or novelty, like they would a Pete Rose, OJ Simpson, Rae Carruth, Michael Vick, or Paul Crewe card.
